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Monday, March 28, 2016

Facing My Past; Beginning Anew


Hey Beachonista! Last week, my sister and I zipped out of town to visit family and meet our new nephew. It was a short 3 hour road trip up the coast of California. We packed my truck with paddle boards, puppies, and an abundance of optimism as to how great our trip was going to be. 

I had no idea what I was really in for...

Every Mile a Memory. Every mile driven up north, my vision became peppered with long forgotten memories. The same way a familiar scent ushers in millions of memories in the matter of seconds. Suddenly, I was struggling to catch my breath.  With heavy emotions rising beneath my chest, I became resistant to inching any closer to our destination.  

My mind raced. All I could think in response to this anxiety was,"What was happening? Why is this feeling getting the better of me?"  Then it became obvious...my past found me. And it wouldn't let me escape...


The Past.  The last time I visited the central coast was with my husband (at the time) and my mother. The two most important people in my life. 

I was married for 5 years to a man I believed to be my dream. We had been making each other happy for 10 years.  Ever since I was 21, we spent our days under the sun laughing together,  getting to know one another and making lasting memories.  Deep in my bones, I believed our bond was unshakable.  But with time and the journey of marriage proved to be very weak.  In the end, our missing piece was: knowing thyself.  With zero wisdom at the time, and being in love with the same man for a decade, there was very little room to realize that my life vision mattered too and was sorely missing.  But it was no one's fault.  We were just kids in love wanting "happily-ever-after."  


"""Sure, recalling memories of a lost love and a lost dream was like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun.  But also remembering forgotten pieces of my mother was even more heartbreaking.  My mother passed away 3 years ago.  It was sudden and it was shocking.  The "first" moments without her are still aplenty. The effects are strong  enough to make me want to stay in bed and "unfollow" life.   It has been a part of my journey but I am working through it. I have good days and then I have days (like this) when I'm trying like hell to fight back the terrible memories.  Remembering the times I watched her life slip away.  Witnessing her struggle during our last trip due to her declining health.  We didn't know she was terminally ill - not even her doctor.    



Tidal Wave. The rage made me feel like I was going to explode. The intensity frightened me. Nothing could pull me out of it.  Not even my fail-proof "go-to's" like: a warm hug, gazing at the sun-shimmering ocean, or listening to my sister's silly laugh.  I couldn't shake the tormenting sadness that was encompassing my insides.  


Barely standing, I fought through it. At first, I felt powerless amidst the tidal wave. All I could do was float on my back.  Laying and breathing beneath the sunshine somehow soothed and centered me. Eventually, I found a few oars to wade through this choppy sea of emotion.  Meeting my new nephew and seeing my cousin become a wonderful mommy once again anchored me with serenity and some hope that life couldn't be this fucked up. Getting upside down into "wheel pose" strengthened me against the swell.  Losing myself in nature, cruising on my bike, and listening to music relieved the ache in my stomach.  

The Beginning.  The invisible storm lessened as our trip came to an end. We arrived back home. I finally found footing on the proverbial dock, realizing the magnitude of the storm I just crawled out of. In contemplation, I found several fresh pearls of wisdom to show as a result of what I went through.  


The Pearls. Deep down in my soul, I believe loss connects you back to your true self.  With the breakdown of my marriage and losing my best friend, I found the gift of time and authenticity.  Investing in things that make my soul sing; surrounding myself with people I love; telling people how much they really mean to me; is what's most important to me.  Through it all, I discovered a truer sense of who I am, a stronger direction to where my heart needs to go, and an engaging connection to something that feels more meaningful to me.  


That's what brought me here. To this blog. To a business that allows me to give back to the world in a way that helps, not hurts.  There's too much pain in the world, we need to see more beauty. We should do things that make us happy.  

Doing things that are meaningful to you are important to me also. This blog is important to me. My journey to making my passions come to life are important to me.  That is something I hope you nurture in yourself too.  


Thank you for opening up your heart and taking the time to be here with me.  I hope you wear your heart on your sleeve more often this week and dive into the ocean to find your pearls that help you create the life of your dreams! I would love to hear what that looks like for you by leaving a comment below! Or as always, you can email at amanda@thebeachonista.com. 


Much Love to You,
Amanda
Your Beachonista 

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